Shameless Self-Promition: I Has It

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Shameless Self-Promition: I Has It

Post by Naked Snake on 8/7/2009, 4:17 am

Any writer will tell you that the person most critical of one's writing is oneself. I am not exempt from this, and that keeps me from posting anything I've written--fanfiction or no--anywhere I go.

That, and I'm a little afraid of compromising myself, being recognized. My time on ff.net is something of a mixed bag; I'm more proud of some things (mostly more recent efforts) than others. I actually went back and re-read some of my fics and thought "holy poop on a stick, I thought this was good?"

Nonetheless, I still write when the inspiration strikes (which I'm sad to say is not so often anymore), but this forum, amazingly, has inspired me substantially. Maybe it's the nostalgia that Teen Titans inspires to me, maybe it's all the rampant BB/Terra (rousing the slumbering BB/Rae shipper within me), but something has driven me to write lately, and to re-examine my early work. That's also the reason why I've been semi-frequently posting in the Episode Ideas thread--Lord knows they'll never come to fruition, but it's a fantastic place for plot bunnies to breed.

Which brings me to my point: I'm going to post my work, from here on out, here. I may directly link to it, I may not; I've not yet decided. This won't be exclusively for fan fiction, since now and again I write original stuff. I have a fictionpress account...somewhere...

...anyway, to give you a taste of my writing, I have this handy li'l excerpt right here. Even in my younger, suckier days, I've noticed that I can still write good dialogue (though it varies from story to story). Major BB/Rae ahead, so properly warned ye be, says I.

That's another thing: BB/Rae is the only couple I have ever openly supported in the history of my life. Ever. To the point where I assumed it was canon; when Terra was mocking Raven in Aftershock, I fully expected her to bring up Beast Boy, and was truly surprised when she didn't. Always assumed they'd end up together, and was kinda disappointed when it became apparent that they wouldn't, but I soldiered on.

The context of this excerpt is...ehhh...I'll keep it to myself, reveal it later. :D

-------------------

Azarath...Metrion...Zinthos...Azarath...Metrion...Zinthos...Azarath--

"Umm...hey."

Raven's eyes opened. "Funny. I didn't notice you come up." A cool breeze blew her hair past her face, and she pulled her cloak closet for warmth.

With an almost comical air of nervousness about him, Beast Boy walked carefully to Raven's side. "I, uh...something Carson said before the end of the battle...that if we got you back, your powers might not be..."

"Intact? It's okay, really." Raven looked up at him and smiled a genuine smile. "They'll come back to me in a few weeks...deadly emotions at all. I'm just enjoying the time I have without them."

Beast Boy took a seat next to her, legs dangling from the lip of the Tower's rooftop. "C'mon Raven, I've seen you smile before."

"Not just that." She touched his cheek and he turned to face her, his eyes meeting hers. "Once they come back, I'll be the same Raven I was before, with the sarcasm, the dark poetry, the hideous gemstone..."

"Don't be like that." Beast Boy nervously edged himself closer to Raven. "Part of the reason I was so, um...attracted to you...was that additude. You're a mystery, Raven. I liked that."

Raven's smile returned. "Thank you. You're sweet."

Beast Boy mirrored her expression. "Besides," he said, tenderly stroking Raven's forehead with his forefinger, "I always thought the gemstone was cute."

Raven chuckled. She couldn't help it.

Beast Boy laughed again. His eyes were still locked with hers.

The two inched together. Their eyes closed again.

Their lips met. And slowly, savoring the moment, they shared their second kiss. It was different from the first, the one they had shared in the confines of Raven's subconcious. The first was rushed and ill-timed, due to the rigors of battle. This one, they would savor. After all, they had all day.

They parted, after what seemed like hours, and Raven, to Beast Boy's surprise, huddled next to him and wrapped her arms around his waist, letting him draw her closer into his embrace with his arm.

They were like that for a long time.

"Raven?"

"Mm?"

"Remember how you promised to take us out for pizza?"

"Mm...maybe later."

"Moment, don't ruin. Check."

Raven smiled again. Pizza could wait. They had all day.

For now, she was happy. They were right, Robin and Cyborg and Starfire...and Carson...things had turned out perfectly.

And for the first time in one hundred and three days, Raven was perfectly content.

She had all the time in the world.
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Re: Shameless Self-Promition: I Has It

Post by Guest on 8/7/2009, 8:36 am

Naked Snake wrote:Any writer will tell you that the person most critical of one's writing is oneself. I am not exempt from this, and that keeps me from posting anything I've written--fanfiction or no--anywhere I go.

That, and I'm a little afraid of compromising myself, being recognized. My time on ff.net is something of a mixed bag; I'm more proud of some things (mostly more recent efforts) than others. I actually went back and re-read some of my fics and thought "holy poop on a stick, I thought this was good?"

Nonetheless, I still write when the inspiration strikes (which I'm sad to say is not so often anymore), but this forum, amazingly, has inspired me substantially. Maybe it's the nostalgia that Teen Titans inspires to me, maybe it's all the rampant BB/Terra (rousing the slumbering BB/Rae shipper within me), but something has driven me to write lately, and to re-examine my early work. That's also the reason why I've been semi-frequently posting in the Episode Ideas thread--Lord knows they'll never come to fruition, but it's a fantastic place for plot bunnies to breed.

Which brings me to my point: I'm going to post my work, from here on out, here. I may directly link to it, I may not; I've not yet decided. This won't be exclusively for fan fiction, since now and again I write original stuff. I have a fictionpress account...somewhere...

...anyway, to give you a taste of my writing, I have this handy li'l excerpt right here. Even in my younger, suckier days, I've noticed that I can still write good dialogue (though it varies from story to story). Major BB/Rae ahead, so properly warned ye be, says I.

That's another thing: BB/Rae is the only couple I have ever openly supported in the history of my life. Ever. To the point where I assumed it was canon; when Terra was mocking Raven in Aftershock, I fully expected her to bring up Beast Boy, and was truly surprised when she didn't. Always assumed they'd end up together, and was kinda disappointed when it became apparent that they wouldn't, but I soldiered on.

The context of this excerpt is...ehhh...I'll keep it to myself, reveal it later. :D

-------------------

Azarath...Metrion...Zinthos...Azarath...Metrion...Zinthos...Azarath--

"Umm...hey."

Raven's eyes opened. "Funny. I didn't notice you come up." A cool breeze blew her hair past her face, and she pulled her cloak closet for warmth.

With an almost comical air of nervousness about him, Beast Boy walked carefully to Raven's side. "I, uh...something Carson said before the end of the battle...that if we got you back, your powers might not be..."

"Intact? It's okay, really." Raven looked up at him and smiled a genuine smile. "They'll come back to me in a few weeks...deadly emotions at all. I'm just enjoying the time I have without them."

Beast Boy took a seat next to her, legs dangling from the lip of the Tower's rooftop. "C'mon Raven, I've seen you smile before."

"Not just that." She touched his cheek and he turned to face her, his eyes meeting hers. "Once they come back, I'll be the same Raven I was before, with the sarcasm, the dark poetry, the hideous gemstone..."

"Don't be like that." Beast Boy nervously edged himself closer to Raven. "Part of the reason I was so, um...attracted to you...was that additude. You're a mystery, Raven. I liked that."

Raven's smile returned. "Thank you. You're sweet."

Beast Boy mirrored her expression. "Besides," he said, tenderly stroking Raven's forehead with his forefinger, "I always thought the gemstone was cute."

Raven chuckled. She couldn't help it.

Beast Boy laughed again. His eyes were still locked with hers.

The two inched together. Their eyes closed again.

Their lips met. And slowly, savoring the moment, they shared their second kiss. It was different from the first, the one they had shared in the confines of Raven's subconcious. The first was rushed and ill-timed, due to the rigors of battle. This one, they would savor. After all, they had all day.

They parted, after what seemed like hours, and Raven, to Beast Boy's surprise, huddled next to him and wrapped her arms around his waist, letting him draw her closer into his embrace with his arm.

They were like that for a long time.

"Raven?"

"Mm?"

"Remember how you promised to take us out for pizza?"

"Mm...maybe later."

"Moment, don't ruin. Check."

Raven smiled again. Pizza could wait. They had all day.

For now, she was happy. They were right, Robin and Cyborg and Starfire...and Carson...things had turned out perfectly.

And for the first time in one hundred and three days, Raven was perfectly content.

She had all the time in the world.


YAY! I love this! (Hehe I too prefer BB/Rae) ^_^ I can't wait to read more from you! :D

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Re: Shameless Self-Promition: I Has It

Post by Naked Snake on 8/7/2009, 6:12 pm

One more thing: I always value criticism, and while it's moot in regards to my earlier work, it's still something I enjoy. So if anyone ever sees a flaw in something I've written--a plothole, a grammatical/spelling/contextual error, OOC-ness--I urge you to point it out to me, that I might correct it in future works.
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Re: Shameless Self-Promition: I Has It

Post by Guest on 8/7/2009, 9:56 pm

Naked Snake wrote:One more thing: I always value criticism, and while it's moot in regards to my earlier work, it's still something I enjoy. So if anyone ever sees a flaw in something I've written--a plothole, a grammatical/spelling/contextual error, OOC-ness--I urge you to point it out to me, that I might correct it in future works.

To be totally honest, it looks really good to me. Everything makes sense, and flows nicely. :D I really like it.

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Re: Shameless Self-Promition: I Has It

Post by Guest on 8/7/2009, 9:57 pm

TitanCalix wrote:
Naked Snake wrote:One more thing: I always value criticism, and while it's moot in regards to my earlier work, it's still something I enjoy. So if anyone ever sees a flaw in something I've written--a plothole, a grammatical/spelling/contextual error, OOC-ness--I urge you to point it out to me, that I might correct it in future works.

To be totally honest, it looks really good to me. Everything makes sense, and flows nicely. :D I really like it.

Wait! found something! Where you have raven say "They'll come back to me in a few weeks...deadly emotions at all." do you mean "...deadly emotions AND all"?

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Re: Shameless Self-Promition: I Has It

Post by Naked Snake on 8/7/2009, 10:00 pm

TitanCalix wrote:
TitanCalix wrote:
Naked Snake wrote:One more thing: I always value criticism, and while it's moot in regards to my earlier work, it's still something I enjoy. So if anyone ever sees a flaw in something I've written--a plothole, a grammatical/spelling/contextual error, OOC-ness--I urge you to point it out to me, that I might correct it in future works.

To be totally honest, it looks really good to me. Everything makes sense, and flows nicely. :D I really like it.

Wait! found something! Where you have raven say "They'll come back to me in a few weeks...deadly emotions at all." do you mean "...deadly emotions AND all"?

This was before I fully grasped the art that is proofreading. -_- But yes, good eye.

The passage I posted was originally written almost three years ago. And while I actually regard that passage (and the rest of the chapter) fairly well, the story itself is a patchwork of plotholes and rip-offery.
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Re: Shameless Self-Promition: I Has It

Post by Riaaanna on 8/8/2009, 2:02 am

Wow, Snake! I didn't know you ship BBRae! XD
Good story! Nicely written. I just caught one typo here, "additude". You mean "attitude", right? XD

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Re: Shameless Self-Promition: I Has It

Post by Naked Snake on 8/8/2009, 2:03 am

Rianna Lauren wrote:Wow, Snake! I didn't know you ship BBRae! XD
Good story! Nicely written. I just caught one typo here, "additude". You mean "attitude", right? XD

Once again, written three years ago. D:
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Re: Shameless Self-Promition: I Has It

Post by Riaaanna on 8/8/2009, 2:30 am

Naked Snake wrote:
Rianna Lauren wrote:Wow, Snake! I didn't know you ship BBRae! XD
Good story! Nicely written. I just caught one typo here, "additude". You mean "attitude", right? XD

Once again, written three years ago. D:

:lol!: So what's your ff.net account, Snake? (btw, closer, not closet. Typo XD XD XD)

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Re: Shameless Self-Promition: I Has It

Post by Naked Snake on 8/8/2009, 2:49 am

Rianna Lauren wrote:
Naked Snake wrote:
Rianna Lauren wrote:Wow, Snake! I didn't know you ship BBRae! XD
Good story! Nicely written. I just caught one typo here, "additude". You mean "attitude", right? XD

Once again, written three years ago. D:

:lol!: So what's your ff.net account, Snake? (btw, closer, not closet. Typo XD XD XD)

Ah, now that would be telling, wouldn't it? Wink

Because I'm ashamed of virtually everything on there, I'm not going to directly link to it. At least not yet. I'll post excerpts, or whole chapters, in spurts.

The only stuff I'd be willing to share is the recently-written stuff. And I don't write fanfiction too often anymore, like I said; I'm actually trying to move into my own creations.

This, for instance, I don't have reservations about posting:

--------------------

"But Raven--"

"No."

"Just for a little--"

"No, Beast Boy."

"...C'mon, I'll pay you to--"

"Beast Boy!" Raven's patience, tested throughout the entire day by this constant pestering, was now at its absolute limit. "You've asked me sixteen times today--thirteen of those times in the last five minutes--and my answer is the same as it always has been. I will not now, nor will I ever, give you a lap dance."

Beast Boy's shoulders sagged. He slumped back against the couch next to Raven, who never once looked up from her book, and folded his arms. "I didn't say right now," he mumbled quietly.

Raven sighed in consternation. "Whether it's now or a year from now doesn't matter; you're still asking me to do something demeaning and--"

"It's not demeaning!" Beast Boy replied defensively. "It's sexy! And it's right up your alley too!"

This remark derailed Raven's train of thought completely. Her head slowly turned to face Beast Boy, eyes pitch-black. Beast Boy gulped. "Uhhh...I love you?"

"...Are you implying that I'm a closet stripper?" Raven asked in a slow, measured tone.

"C'mon Raven," Beast Boy said nervously. "You and I both know that I'm not smart enough to imply anything."

"This is true," called Cyborg from the kitchen. The couple immediately directed their attention towards him. He was standing over the stove, grilling a thick slab of meat (Beast Boy's stomach did a turn as he caught sight of Cyborg's meal). "Give him a break, Rae; he can't even figure out the speed-dial on our land line."

Raven gave him a quizzical glance. "We've never had a land line."

Cyborg grinned back at her. "And now you know why."

"You've been there the whole time, haven't you?" Beast Boy asked, stroking his chin in an imitation of a TV detective.

"Nah. But long enough," replied Cyborg. "I came in around the time you started trying to barter your Pokemon card collection. Just barely kept from laughing."

"Because that would give you away," Raven deduced, "and then you wouldn't be able to eavesdrop on the rest of our banter."

"Well," said Cyborg, smiling, as he flipped his steak over. "She's not just a pretty face after all." He inspected the meat, decided it was cooked long enough, threw it onto a plate and made a beeline to the exit. "And BB, you owe me for distracting Raven from that 'right up your alley,' remark."

The doors slid shut behind him, leaving Beast Boy alone, once again, with his deeply-aggravated girlfriend. "Well, thanks for reminding her," he muttered, knowing full-well that Cyborg would never hear.

----------------------

This, on the other hand, I DO have reservations about posting:

----------------------

It was lunchtime at South Park Elementery. As Stan, Kenny, and Kyle walked up to the lunch counter, they were greeted by Chef's usual "Hello there, children!"

"Hey Chef," they answered.

"Hey... where's Eric? Usually, he'd be on his 15th serving of banana pudding by now," Chef asked.

"Well that's the thing..." Stan said. "See, we were waiting for the bus, and then a red gooey monster came out of nowhere and grabbed Cartman and carried him off."

Chef hesitated. "And... this thing... did it smell and look like it was made entirely of crap?"

The three kids exchanged a look. "Yes." Kyle answered.

A look of horror crept across Chef's face. "Oh my God..." he said slowly. "It's Slade!"

The three were silent. Then Kyle asked "So the monster was called Slade?"

"No, that was Plasmus," Chef responded.

"Then it was Plasmus who kidnapped Cartman?" Stan asked.

"No, Slade did."

"But you just said that Plasmus kidnapped him." Stan said.

"No, Slade did it."

"And who the hell is Slade?" Kyle said loudly.

"Nobody knows."

The kids exchanged another glance. "Okay dude, I'm confused," Kyle said, exasperated.

"Slade is a crime lord. Plasmus is the crap monster. Slade sent Plasmus to kidnap Eric. DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW?" Chef bellowed.

The three of them were silent.

"You shouldn't be here! You should be rescuing Eric from Slade. Believe me, he's doing horrible things to the poor child right now." Chef said ominously.

--------------------

Bonus points if you can tell which one was written recently.
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Re: Shameless Self-Promition: I Has It

Post by Riaaanna on 8/8/2009, 4:08 am

...the second one? It's the one written recently, I mean XD

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Re: Shameless Self-Promition: I Has It

Post by Naked Snake on 8/8/2009, 4:44 am

Rianna Lauren wrote:...the second one? It's the one written recently, I mean XD

...A-no.

Is it really that hard to tell...?
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Re: Shameless Self-Promition: I Has It

Post by Riaaanna on 8/8/2009, 4:58 am

Naked Snake wrote:
Rianna Lauren wrote:...the second one? It's the one written recently, I mean XD

...A-no.

Is it really that hard to tell...?

*shrugs* I'm a dum dum. How am I supposed to know? XD

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Re: Shameless Self-Promition: I Has It

Post by Naked Snake on 8/9/2009, 4:19 am

Going back and re-writing/updating my three most well-known and reviewed stories. This is a painstaking process involving lots and lots of careful editing and re-writing, deciding what's good and what's teh suxxorz, and striking whatever I deem unworthy of continued existence.

For instance, I completely struck the first chapter of one story, and am splitting the second chapter into two separate chapters. This long, convoluted process is, to me, a stepping-stone that I hope will lead me into writing my own, original work once and for all.

Let me demonstrate: I'm going to post the original excerpt from the story, followed by my newer, updated re-write.

----------------------

The door to the training room slid open quietly, allowing a figure to step inside. The figure leaned on a window sill and sighed, watching as the rain softly tapped against the window pane, his green skin faintily illuminated by the lights downtown. For once in his life, his thoughts cleared, and he concentrated on a single person, a blonde haired teenage girl he had met not 2 weeks ago. Tears welled in his eyes as he thought of how they had parted. She hated him, he knew that much, and he would never see her again.

His thoughts began to change, though, and they instead concentrated on another person, and amesthyst eyed, blue cloaked girl. She had been much kinder to him these past weeks-he recieved much less pain, though the sarcasm never ceased to flow. It never did for her, did it? Beast Boy sighed again. His pain of being torn from the girl he loved (forgive me...) was compounded with the knowladge that the two women he admired most in this world hated him. Or at least it seemed that way.

A sudden voice broke his train of thought: "You're thinking about her again, aren't you?" Beast Boy recognized the calm, cool voice instantly, and turned to see the very subject of his thoughts standing behind him, her cloak drawn about her slim (not anorexic, she's not like Terra) form. Her face was expressionless, though Beast Boy could see faint signs of sympathy on her beutiful features.

"Raven... you scared me," Beast Boy said shakily. He scratched the back of his head. "Um... what are you doing here?"

"Meditating, before you barged in. Not that I'm bitter," Raven said. Beast Boy inwardly smiled. The sarcasm never ceased, did it? Raven stepped up next to him and leaned against the sill. "You didn't answer. You're thinking about her."

Beast Boy turned back to the window and sighed again. "I can't help it. Terra..." He could hardly get the next words out. "She didn't even say goodbye. She just... left." He sniffed and his voice broke, but he continued. "She hates me, doesn't she?"

Raven was silent for a moment, but answered him. "She has some problems she needs to deal with. She's been through alot in her life, and maybe she needs to deal with it on her own." Raven's hand rested on Beast Boy's shouldar. "She'll come back one day."

"How do you know?" Beast Boy asked sullenly, still facing the window.

Raven answered simply "I just do." The two teammates stared silenty at the rain, Raven's hand still on Beast Boy's shouldar. The changeling suddenly broke the silence. "Raven?"

"Yeah?"

"Are we... friends?"

"Beast Boy..." Raven trailed off for a moment, and for that moment, Beast Boy's fear was confirmed. "You keep asking stupid questions, don't you?"

"It's just..." Beast Boy shifted uncomfortably. "Sometimes I can't tell, you know? Like when I tell a joke, or when I compliment you, you just ignore me, or you use your powers to throw me into a wall, or you say something sarcastic and then ignore me."

Raven was silent, deep in thought. Beast Boy's words seemed to have rang true. Finally she spoke up. "You've always been there, trying to make people laugh, trying to make someone's day worth it. Usually mine. You never stop trying, no matter what I say or do. You've saved my life more times than I can count." She paused, searching for the right words. "I'm glad to have you as a friend."

That's it? Just friends? Beast Boy thought about saying, but instead he smiled. "Heh... thanks Rae."

"You're welcome. And don't call me that." Raven said. She suddenly noticed that she hadn't taken her hand off Beast Boys shouldar, and quickly removed it. She was thankful for the lack of light that conceled her blush. An awkward silence settled over the two teammates as they stared out the window.

The silence didn't alarm blared as a red light flashed. The two looked at each other and ran to the living room. That's the first moment Cyborg hasn't broken up, Beast Boy thought with a smile.

-------------------------------

Hammy, anvilicious, and unsubtle. Now, the re-write

------------------------------

The door to the living room slid open with a soft, but audible, whir. In stepped Beast Boy, his eyes quickly adjusting to the otherwise impermeable darkness enveloping the room. It was a moonless night, the sky shrouded in a thick layer of clouds.

It was four fifteen in the morning, and Beast Boy was restless. Having once again tossed and turned in bed for the better part of the night, he'd once again decided to take a quick walk around the tower, in hopes of clearing his head. About halfway into his circuit, it once again occurred to him that the GameStation wouldn't be in use at this late hour, and he'd once again eagerly made his way to the living room, intending to vent his negativity on computer-controlled swarms of alien invaders. But now that he found himself there, Beast Boy found that, once again, he had lost all interest.

This was a phenomenon that was all-too common with him lately.

Instead of leaving the room, however, he continued his walk along the room's perimeter until he came to the front window and its normally spectacular view of downtown. Tonight, however, a heavy layer of fog hung over the bay. The lights of downtown peeked through the mist, but the city itself was hidden from sight, and what light there was could not illuminate the room he was in.

But the unyielding darkness was soothing to Beast Boy. The stillness of the scene allowed him to find his center, to focus his thoughts. In his mind's eye, a blonde-haired teenage girl materialized. He tried to picture her smiling at him, but his mind did not comply. She hated him, he knew that much, and he would never see her again. And this was how he was doomed to always remember her--face alight with fury at his perceived betrayal, eyes red with barely-suppressed tears.

"But I didn't tell anyone," he whispered to the night. "Why wouldn't you listen to me?"

"She never seemed particularly stable," said a voice from behind him. He jumped, caught completely off-guard by the unexpected company.

"You can relax." And he did; as the voice began to register, the sudden tension ebbed away, and the fight-or-flight reflex with it.

"Raven... you scared me," Beast Boy said shakily, voice cracking on the last syllable. He swallowed hard, and silently ordered his vexingly pubescent vocal chords to function properly. "Um... what are you doing here?"

"Meditating, before you barged in. Just as I was last night, and the night before." Raven replied, rising from her seat on the couch and moving to join him. "It surprised me that you didn't notice I was here on the first night, but now I understand why." She spoke directly to him, yet her gaze never wavered from the far side of the bay. "You were too preoccupied thinking about her."

Beast Boy turned to face her, but she kept her eyes on the city. She almost never looked him straight in the eye. Why is that? "Yeah. She..." He could hardly get the next words out. "She wouldn't even let me explain, Raven. She just left." He sniffled. The tears hadn't come yet, but he had faith that they'd make an appearance. "She hates me. There's no way she doesn't."

Raven was silent for a moment and Beast Boy doubted that he would get any reassurance from her. She surprised him, however. "Terra...clearly has something she needs to work through," said Raven, her tone diplomatic and her words carefully chosen. "Trust issues that run far deeper than you--than we can guess." Her head turned just enough so that she could meet his gaze, once again surprising him. "Give her time. I'm not saying it's for certain, but she may come back one day."

"And if she doesn't?" Beast Boy asked. His tone was practically pleading for something concrete, but Raven would not indulge him.

Her head turned back to the far-off city. "Then she doesn't. Life will go on, Beast Boy, with or without her. The sooner you realize that, the better off you'll be."

Beast Boy sighed, tearing his gaze away from his blue-cloaked teammate and resting his forehead against the window. "That's not exactly what I wanted to hear, Raven."

"No, it wasn't," Raven conceded. "But it's what you needed to hear."

They were silent, as Beast Boy contemplated this. Raven was right, he was young, and there were plenty of fish in the sea. But Terra was special, made him feel worthwhile. Valued. Terra was someone he could see himself with, someone who would care for him, nurture him. And he could think of nobody else who met that description.

In his peripheral vision, he saw Raven's cloak rustle as she shifted her weight uncomfortably.

"Hey...Raven?"

"Yes?"

"Are we..." He was vulnerable, pensive and introverted right now, and could not think of a single valid reason as to why he was asking this. "Are we friends?"

He couldn't bring himself to look at her, and focused instead on the condensation forming on the window with every exhaled breath. Beast Boy regretted asking, couldn't fathom why he would throw such an absurd question at her. "I'm sorry, forget I said--"

"You're always trying to make someone laugh, to make their day worth getting out of bed over. Usually mine. And you never stop trying, no matter what I say or do." There was warmth in her voice that he'd never heard before. "I'm glad to have you as a friend."

The warmth in her voice seemed to fill Beast Boy, relieving him of his troubles and fears. Truthfully, he'd known that Raven cared for him; his trek through her subconscious with Cyborg could attest to that. But he needed the reassurance. She seemed to understand that better than he did, and knowingly provided it. "Thanks. That means a lot to me."

"You're welcome." She swatted at his head playfully, and he smiled. "For future reference, Beast Boy, don't ask such stupid questions. If I ever stop liking you, then you can rest assured that I'll give you 24 hours' notice before declaring open war."

There's our Raven. That didn't take long. He'd hoped the change in her behavior would last a little while longer, but she'd reverted to form without missing a beat. So much for a kinder, gentler Raven.

The alarm derailed his train of thought, shrieking rhythmically as a bright red strobe illuminated the room. "No rest for the righteous," Raven sighed, pressing a slender hand to her forehead. "There go my hopes for a peaceful morning."

"Uh...yeah, about that." Beast Boy raised his head from the window, idly tracing patterns in the moisture left by his breath with his fingertip. "Sorry. I know how important it is that you meditate all the time..."

"Oh, I meditated plenty before bed," she replied, talking over the klaxon. "And then for another half an hour before I came out here."

Beast Boy was flabbergasted. She'd lied to him! "Then what were you doing out here in the first place?"

The door at the other end of the room slid open once again. The klaxon and red strobe petered out, as the room's main lights blinked on, one by one. Robin stood at the door, wide-awake and dressed for combat, a grim expression on his face.

Beast Boy looked at Raven, not expecting a reply. She surprised him, however, for the third time that night, with a small half-smile that made his heart ache. "Waiting for you."

---------------------------------

More carefully written, though perhaps I overdid it with the purple prose. But I tried to make their interaction a bit more subtle, and kept the chapter strictly from Beast Boy's POV. Hopefully, I succeeded, though feedback is always appreciated.
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Re: Shameless Self-Promition: I Has It

Post by Naked Snake on 8/11/2009, 4:30 am

This is a comparison of the second revamped chapter of the story. This could get confusing, so first some explanations are in order:

-The first chapter of the original story has been cut completely.

-There are three segments of the second chapter of the original story: the BB/Rae scene, a briefing with Robin on a mission, and an action sequence where Johnny Rancid leads a team of Sladebots in a raid on a warehouse stocked with nuclear materials, possibly foreshadowing my eventual real-life love for Metal Gear Solid.

-The revamped second chapter effectively combines the last third of the original chapter with the chapter immediately following in the original story.

The post before this one is the revamped first chapter. The second chapter is the revamped action sequence; the briefing has been cut out entirely.

This is the original action sequence:

------

Bodies were scattered about the warehouse as the battle raged on, the robots slowly gaining the upper hand. The guards, though heavily armed, were no mach for the supirior force they were up against. Ammunition was running low, morale with it, as the robots pressed onward, egged on by their leader, who was pearched on a catwalk. He was in his mid twenties, with black pants and a black jacket and long black hair.

"Keep it goin' boys!" the man shouted at the army of robot commandos. "Their on the ropes, don't show any mercy, keep-" he was cut off by a blast that knocked him backwards. When the smoke cleared, he saw none other than the boy wonder and leader of the Teen Titans.

"Who are you?!" Robin demanded. The man grinned evilly.

"Names Rancid," he said, pulling a gun from his belt. "Johnny Rancid!" He fired a shot at Robin's chest. Robin dodged and leaped at Johnny Rancid, aiming a kick at the older man's chest. Johnny grabbed Robin's leg out of midair and tossed him off the railing, down to the crossfire below. Robin shot his grappling hook, which wrapped around the railing. He swung under and over the catwalk and landed behind Johnny Rancid. Robin delivered a kick to his opponent's back, knocking him against the railing. Johnny turned and punched Robin across the chin, sending the young hero staggering backwards.

Below, four teenagers blew the massive garage-type door down and poured in, ready for combat. "Teen Titans, go!" Cyborg shouted as they charged the robots. The sudden arrival of the teenage vigilanties gave the defenders time to retreat, dropping their weapons and fleeing for their lives. Those who remained drew batons and billy clubs and rushed the robot forces, most of them being beaten back easily. The Titans on the other hand held their ground, Cybor firing his sonic cannon from the cover of a few crates while Starfire, Raven and Beast Boy engaged the robots in close combat.

It worked for a while-until Robin fell from the catwalk. A black forcefield shot out to cushin his landing at the last second. Johnny Rancid leaped down, landing on the crates Cyborg was using for cover, and delivered a kick to the robotic teen's chin.

"Stupid kids!" he yelled triumphantly. "Ain't no way in hell you're stopping the force that is Slade and Johnny Rancid!" He aimed his gun at Cyborg's chestplate, grinning. "No way in hell," he whispered.

A robot's head exploded, then another, then a third and finally, the gun flew from Johnny Rancid's hand. Johnny did a double take, trying to figure out what had done that. He got his answer in the form of another exploding robot head. He looked up to a platform to see someone, arm outstretched as if holding a gun. The person pulled something from his belt and hurled it at a cluster of robots- a grenade. The grenade exploded, sending robot parts flying everywhere.

The person jumped down and landed at Johnny's feet. He ducked down and did a sweep kick, knocking the Johnny's legs out from under him. As he fell a punch was delivered to his stomach, then another to his head, sending Johnny Rancid flying. The person pulled the gun out again and fired twice more, destroying two more robots. The remaining opponents fled.

The Titans stared in awe at their savior. Strangely enough, he wasn't a soldier, or Batman, or anyone else. He was a teenage boy with thick dark hair and a Colt .45 revolver in his hand...


------

Chapter break. Here's chapter three of the original:

------

He was tall, maybe 5'9" and wore a grey jacket. In his left hand was a still-smoking Colt .45 revolver. He had thick, unruly dark hair that conceled his face, to a degree, giving him an intimidating appearence. On his back was a military style sword, maybe a saber. His face was expressionless as he stared at Johnny Rancid's form lying against the wall.

Johnny Rancid pulled himself from the debris and tossed off his jacket. "You little bastard..." he snarled, drawing a curved, black knife. He charged at the newcomer, who stood there stoicly, unmoving. At the last second, he leapt upward, turned in midair and slammed the side of his foot into Johnny Rancid's face, sending him flying against the far wall of the warehouse.

The boy smirked and pulled the sword from it's sheath. He drew back his arm and flung it like a spear at his opponent. Johnny Rancid ducked and charged again, holding the knife over his head. "Ever wonder what a bare-brain feels like!" he shouted ferociously at his victim. The boy stepped down from the crate and stood unmoving again.

Suddenly, Johnny Rancid lowered his shouldar and slammed into the boy, hurling him across the room into a support pillar, sending a catwalk falling onto him with a sickening screech. Johnny Rancid grinned evilly at his fallen opponent and picked up his gun. Turning his attention back to the Titans, he said "You kids wanna see a dead body?" and threw the knife at Robin. Robin ducked, but the knife hit his cape, pinning him to the crate behind him. Robin struggled to pull the knife from the wood, but it wouldn't budge. Johnny Rancid grinned again and aimed the gun at Robin. "Move one step, and the kid gets it," he threatened the Titans.

An explosion erupted under the fallen catwalk, a bright light stunning the combatants. When the light faded, they saw the boy, enveloped in an aura of flames. His eyes glowed black and when he spoke, his voice sounded inhuman, almost demonic.

"Filthy mortal," he snarled, raising his right hand. "Allow me to show you the essence of pain!" A light like a blue flame shot from his arm, hitting Johnny Rancid in the stomach. He screamed in agony and begged for mercy before his tourturer. After a moment, the attack ceaced and Johnny Rancid collapsed against a crate, not moving. A moment later the aura of flames disappated from the boy and his eyes cleared. His face was still expressionless, though for a moment it flickered, an expression of shock replacing it. It was only a moment, and the confident, emotionless face reasserted itself. His jacket was torn to shreds, but physically, he seemed almost unharmed.

Starfire carefully crossed to Johnny Rancid's unmoving form and felt for his pulse. "He is alive," she reported, turning to Robin.

"What was that?" Robin asked, still in awe over the teen's power. He suceeded in pulling Johnny Rancid's knife from the crate and turned back to the Titans. He noticed that Raven seemed to be worn out. She was sweating and panting heavily, her face flushed, and was leaning against a crate for support. "You okay?" Robin asked. Raven nodded.

"Just... I felt his power," she said. "And it wasn't human. If I wasn't in total control over myself... I'd probably have lost it." She tried to stand on her own but collapsed. Beast Boy caught her and helped her to her feet.

"You sure you're okay?" Beast Boy asked, slowly letting go of the telepath. Raven nodded again and stood, still shaking. "I'll be fine," she reassured him.

"Back to the topic at hand..." Robin said, indicating the unknown teen, who was checking his joints to see if anything was broken. "What do we do about him?"

"Talk to him," Cyborg said. "You're good at introductions."

Starfire squealed. "Oh yes, it would be most joyous to have another friend with which I can talk to and train with and have the 'girl talk,' and-"

"Okay, that's about enough Star," Robin said, looking slightly annoyed, almost as if he was considering against talking to the newcomer.

"Besides," Raven said dryly. "I'm not sure he'd be too interested in girl talk." Starfire looked disappointed. Robin scratched the back of his head, unsure of what to do.

"Well!" Beast Boy said impatiently. "What are you waiting for! GO TALK TO HIM ALREADY!"

The teen was reloading his revolver when Robin stepped onto the pile of debris. "Um... hi?" he said.

"...hi." the other teen said, seemingly uninterested.

Robin sighed. This wouldn't be easy. "I'm Robin," he said, extending his hand. The teen looked at it for a moment, then took it and shook it lightly. "Carson," he said.

Robin seemed to gain confidence. He motioned to the Titans. "These are my friends-"

"Cyborg, Stafire, Beast Boy, and Raven. The Teen Titans," he finished, closing the chamber to his revolver. "I'd heard of you." He holstered the revolver and stepped down from the pile of debris, striding to where the other Titans stood. He stooped over and picked up Johnny Rancid's knife, walked over to the aforementioned thug's unconcious form and removed the knife's sheath from his belt.

"Um... we kinda need that for evidence," Cyborg said, pointing to the knife. Carson sheathed the knife and attatched it to his own belt. "I need a trophy," he said darkly. He turned to face the Titans.

There was silence between them, then Beast Boy spoke up. "You aren't from around here, are you?"

"Not really-" Carson begain, but Starfire interrupted him, grabbing him by the shouldars talking rapidly.

"Where are you from how did you get here what is your favorite color do you wish to be my friend?" she said gleefully.

"Gotham, walked, black, and why not?" Carson said deadpan. Starfire squealed in delight, threw her arms around him and squeezed as hard as she could... only to realize she'd been squeezing the air. Carson had jumped back onto a crate and was staring down at the bubbly alien. "I don't hug," he said darkly, and stepped down from the crate.

"You're from Gotham?" Robin said, surprised. "And you say you walked here?" Carson nodded and Robin sighed, dropping it.

"So..." Raven said, trying to break the ice. "What's with the exploading catwalk?" Carson stared at the rubble with a thoughtful expression on his face, taking his time to answer. "I don't know," he said quietly. "That's never happened before..." he trailed off.

Beast Boy changed the subject. "So you lived in Gotham?"

"I still do," Carson said. "I'm here on buisiness, not pleasure." He looked at the robot parts scattered around them. "I was a merenary in Gotham. Usually worked in the slums. It was pretty small time. Then I found out about a job here in Jump. Has to do with some crime lord named Slade."

The Titans fell silent. Carson broke the silence. "I take it you've heard of him before?"

"Fought him," Robin said bitterly. "Haven't heard from him in a while. We kinda figured he went undergound."

Carson shook his head. "Doesn't matter. My job is to find him, wherever he is, and bring him in. Dead or alive."

Robin stepped forward. "And who do work for?"

"My client prefers to remain anonymous," Carson said automatically. Obviously, they weren't going to get much out of him. Carson was way too secrative.

Starfire spoke up. "I am curious: If you live in the Gotham City, where are you staying now?"

Carson motioned around him. "Welcome to my humble abode. Which, incidentally," ha added, "isn't a very good place to stay anymore."

"Why not stay with us then?" Robin asked. "I mean, we're after the same guy, and you've got nowhere else to go."

Carson shrugged."Got nowhere else to go. Might as well."

Cyborg grinned. "Car's this way, come on."

"You go on ahead," Carson said. "I'll be there in a moment." He motioned to Johnny Rancid. "What about him?"

"I'll deal with him," Robin said. "You go home without me.

The Titans turned and left the ruined warehouse, their new comrade still standing in the rubble. Carson walked to the far wall where Johnny Rancid had landed and felt around for his jacket. He found it, threw off the shreds of his old one, and put on his fallen opponents. He turned back to follow the Titans out the exit, but stopped to look at the catwalk, the twisted metal a testament to his rage. Carson shook his head and left the ruins of his old home.
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Re: Shameless Self-Promition: I Has It

Post by Naked Snake on 8/11/2009, 4:31 am

Had to split this into two posts because it was too damn big.

And this is the revamped chapter combining the two (pre re-write):

------

Jump City's warehouse district was the drab, seamy counterpoint to the sunny, optimistic city proper. The entire six block stretch of land was little more than row after row of cavernous, mostly-deserted storage buildings. A city-wide financial crisis had forced the closure of several such warehouses, putting thousands out of work and leaving the buildings themselves to be used as little more than a convenient place to squat for the night.

Defying this, a trio of nervous, impatient teenagers crouched at the entrance to one such building, trying their best to look nonchalant, and failing miserably. Over them towered a muscular, black-jacketed thug who leaned against a souped-up, black Harley-Davidson, arms folded petulantly.

"Hey, what gives?" the thug snorted. "You said you'd have this nut cracked in ten minutes. It's been...uh." He glanced quickly at a wristwatch. "Twenty."

A thoroughly vexed Gizmo whipped his head around at the thug. "Listen here, Johnny Retard--"

"It's Rancid, you bald little bitch! Johnny Rancid!"

"Your name's Booger Snotshit for all I care," Gizmo snapped. " And you'd better shut your stinkin' trap. You got any clue how complex this security grid is? Cross the wrong wire and you could trigger the alarm, and that's the best that could happen."

"What's the worst?" Mammoth whispered, exchanging a fearful look with Jinx.

"We all get blowed to smitheroons. Or electrocuted. Or the alarm's silent, and I triggered it without knowing. Either way, everyone needs to shut the slobberin' hell up and lemme work already." Gizmo returned to his work, muttering vaguely and incoherently.

Johnny Rancid just rolled his eyes, and brushed a bit of lint off of his jacket's sleeve. "Tch, whatever man..."

"I told you to shut your freakin'--aha!" Gizmo clapped and wrung his hands victoriously. "That's what I'm talkin' about!"

With a heavy, mechanical groan, the doors slid apart, grinding loudly (and gratingly) as they opened for the first time in untold years. Gizmo turned back to Johnny Rancid, who was staring incredulously at the now-open warehouse, and blew a raspberry at the thug, before hurrying into the building proper, Jinx close behind him. Mammoth's colossal size prevented him from entering with the others, and so he stood, waiting for the doors to open wide enough to accommodate him.

When the doors suddenly stopped moving, sparks flying from the gears at either end of the doors, Mammoth peeked his head inside. "Hey, Gizmo?"

"What?"

"The doors won't open."

"So?"

"We still worried about a security system?"

"What kind of scuzz-lickin' question is that?! Of course we're not!"

Mammoth shrugged. He pulled his head back from the door, latched both hands onto one end, and heaved. With a horrible metallic screech, the door was wrenched free, and tossed effortlessly away.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Jinx hissed at him.

Mammoth was perplexed. He answered as Johnny Rancid ducked under his arm for entry. "But...but Gizmo said that the security system wasn't a problem anymore."

"Yeah, the security system isn't a problem," Jinx said condescendingly. "That doesn't mean nobody's going to come by tomorrow and see that some idiot ripped the door off its hinges!"

Mammoth's heart sank. As the lights to the warehouse flickered into being, he could see Gizmo and Jinx regarding him with a shared look of exasperation, and Johnny Rancid smirking haughtily. "Oh. Sorry guys."

Jinx groaned in frustration and pressed her face into her hand. "Let's just get what we came for. Rancid, you're familiar with the layout. Where's the merchandise?"

Johnny Rancid turned his arrogant smirk onto her. "You blind, Kimberly? It's wall-to-wall! Take a good...look...around...holy--"

The warehouse was, indeed, quite empty. The only trappings of civilization were a moth-eaten armchair and a squat coffee table propped up by a book under one leg, resting in the near corner of the warehouse next to a splintered, weathered door.

"What in Mad Max' holy name is going on?!" Johnny Rancid exploded. He fell to his knees and pounded the ground with a meaty gray fist.

"Oh, THIS was time well spent," Jinx yelled, husky voice echoing throughout the derelict cavern. "Out of all the places we could have gone tonight, of all the heists we could have pulled, we followed Johnny Rotten--"

"RANCID!" he roared, punctuating his declaration with another pound of his fist.

"Whatever the hell your name is, it doesn't change the fact that you led us into an empty warehouse on a wild goose chase! UGH!" Somewhat fatigued by her outburst, she wobbled over to the armchair and flung herself down, sinking into it with a frown.

Mammoth and Gizmo went to her side, Mammoth examining the armchair with interest. "Say, this actually isn't bad. Wanna take it with us?"

Jinx' eyes drifted up to Mammoth, and she smirked in spite of herself. "Nah. Let's just get the hell out of here. HIVE's probably gone all to hell without us."

"That seems likely." The trio's eyes darted over to the door, and their hearts sank as it was slowly nudged open.

There was a loud crash from outside, coupled with the screeching of burnt rubber. Eyes wide, Johnny Rancid rose and whipped his head around, staring out the gaping maw of the warehouse in shock. "My bike!"



"Cyborg, I think you just totaled someone's bike," Robin said, leaning over the dashboard to get a better look.

Cyborg mimicked his action, squinting at the now-tangled mess of silvery metal. "Did I? Huh, look at that." He beamed. "And not a dent to my baby at that. Sturdy craftsmanship, right Rae?" He turned and grinned back at Raven in the back seat, who rolled her eyes in a practiced, yet affectionate, motion.

"We all marvel at your technical prowess, Cyborg," Starfire interjected. "But have we not come here for a reason?"

"She's right," added Raven. "Cyborg may buff his ego after we've taken care of this break-in." Cyborg frowned at her lack of measured enthusiasm, but the girls were quite right.

The five of them disembarked from the vehicle, and rushed into the wide-open warehouse, where a bizarre scene greeted them like some surreal stage play with the actors frozen in tableau.

The first thing the group noticed was the heavily-muscled, gray-skinned biker who rested on his knees with an expression of unfathomable grief on his face. Far behind him were the familiar three H.I.V.E. students, Mammoth, Gizmo and Jinx, and with them was a completely unfamiliar figure--a tousled, humorless-looking boy who held them at gunpoint. The five individuals were now glaring at their new guests--the biker's grief had given way to an expression of tearful rage, while the H.I.V.E. all had the same cautious expression on their faces. The fifth--the one with the gun--regarded the Titans with a detached, bemused sort of curiosity.

Before any of them had the chance to speak--before Robin had the chance to quip--the biker climbed shakily to his feet and jabbed at them with a meaty finger. "Which one of you little FREAKS," he spat, "drove the car that killed Johnny Rancid's bike?"

Beast Boy coughed and jerked a thumb at Cyborg, who shot a withering glare back.

Slowly, Johnny Rancid's red, bloodshot, tear-soaked eyes came to rest on Cyborg, and his face completely distorted with fury. "That bike...belonged...to James Dean..." He reached for a holster in his jacket pocket, drawing a pistol. "You ugly stupid robot ni--"

A gunshot cut him off mid-slur. "GodDAMN! My hand!" The boy with the gun had trained his weapon on Johnny Rancid and fired before he could get off a shot of his own (or indeed, before the Titans could react to the threat).

Robin wasted no more time. "Titans, GO!"

They charged, but there was little more to do. Raven and Beast Boy flanked him, cutting off his forward escape route, while Starfire hovered overhead, eyes blazing with righteous fury. Robin and Cyborg advanced on him while the others hung back, and Rancid, his gun-shot hand clutched close to his chest, tugged a wickedly-curved purple knife from a strategically-placed sheath on his jacket pocket.

Ignoring Robin altogether, he charged at Cyborg, knife upheld. Robin, perhaps miffed at being snubbed, caught his wrist and twisted his elbow backward. Reflexively, the thug dropped his knife, crying out in pain. "Please please please, not the other hand too, please--"

Cyborg's fist collided with his stomach, and he doubled over in pain. Robin released his arm and struck him in the back of the neck with a karate chop, and Rancid dropped like a sack of hammers, unconscious. The Titans immediately shifted their attention to the H.I.V.E.; in the same motion, Robin had drawn a set of energy disks--

--and almost dropped them in shock when he saw that they hadn't moved an inch. Their eyes were still set on the boy who'd held them at gunpoint. Even when he'd given them the window by shooting Johnny Rancid, they remained rooted to the spot.

This disturbed Robin greatly--in all their experience with them, the H.I.V.E. never once showed any sort of apprehension towards anyone. Yet there they were, looking terrified and helpless, at some kid with a gun.

Said kid holstered the weapon once Johnny Rancid had gone down and sauntered over to his unconscious body (the trio of supervillains dutifully remained where they were). He knelt before the biker and examined him--his clothes, his fallen pistol and knife, even his jacket--before flipping him onto his back and removing the leather jacket.

"Hey--what do you think you're doing?" Robin demanded.

No reply; the boy continued going about his business. He finished removing the jacket, leaving Rancid in a black wife-beater, and examined it closely, before removing the knife's now-empty sheath and tossing the jacket away. He reached for the fallen knife.

"Hey, dude," Beast Boy said, stepping up next to Robin. "That's evidence. You're not supposed to be tampering with it."

"That's nice," he replied dismissively, examining the knife.

The boy was working his last nerve, Robin thought. "Look, kid--"

"Carson," the boy supplied, now reaching for the pistol. "If you're going to give me a dressing-down, do it properly."

"...Carson," Robin said through gritted teeth. "It's great that you helped us out tonight, but this is our area of expertise. So if you wouldn't mind--"

With a cry, the heretofore unconscious Johnny rancid suddenly rose and shot a hand out towards Robin's throat, catching the Boy Wonder off guard.

In a single motion, Carson caught him by the wrist and pushed back--hard. There was a mighty snap, and Johnny Rancid began to scream in pain. "What the hell is wrong with you?! Why do you hate my hands so much, you goddamn--"

"Shut up." Clutching Johnny Rancid's gun by the barrel, he drew his arm back and smashed the grip across the biker's jaw. He fell silent once again, out cold.

The other Titans had drawn closer around Robin at Johnny Rancid's sudden outburst. Carson stood, tossing the gun down beside the unconscious biker, and looked Robin in the eye. The two were roughly eye level, with Robin having about an inch on him. Despite being substantially shorter than most of the other Titans, he didn't seem at all put-off or intimidated. "I know who you guys are," he said evenly, "and it's funny that we should meet up like this. I was going to seek you out anyway."

"Is that right?" Raven said, piping up suddenly. "That's very convenient."

Carson angled his head to look at her. As soon as he caught sight of Raven, a sudden flicker of emotion seemed to play across his face, up until that point an emotionless mask not unlike Raven. Robin just barely caught it--for that instant, Carson seemed almost...gleeful. Curiouser and curiouser, he thought with a frown.

"I love a good coincidence," Carson replied with a hint of mirth. "Or contrivance, call it what you will. The fact remains, I'm in a very good position to make an offer to your team."

Robin raised an eyebrow beneath his mask. "An...offer?"

Carson nodded. Gesturing behind him to the still-shell-shocked H.I.V.E., he said "I've got this under wraps, so you can go ahead and take off. But I want you to meet me again in an hour."

Robin glanced behind him at the H.I.V.E. To his surprise, Jinx was no longer looking at Carson--she had her eyes on the Titans themselves, on one person in particular. "You'll see these guys sent off to the big house?" Robin asked skeptically, silently cursing the lack of eyes on the back of his head. "And then you want us to meet you back here--"

"You misunderstand," Carson interrupted. "I don't want to meet here. McMurtry's Coffee House, down 9th. I'd rather discuss it in comfort. And I don't want to meet the team," he added, sweeping his gaze across the others. Robin strained, trying to get a closer glimpse at his eyes, but for some reason they seemed hidden from the light--he couldn't even tell what color they were.

"I want to meet you," Carson finished. "Privately. It's less conspicuous that way."

"Robin," Raven said quietly from behind him. "Wrap this up. We need to talk."

"9th Avenue, McMurtry's, one hour," Carson reiterated. "Do we have a deal?"

Robin turned around to the others, reading their expressions. Starfire was clearly distrustful of the newcomer, and Cyborg seemed to echo her sentiment. Beast Boy seemed ambivalent, unable to decide whether or not Carson was on the level, though if Robin were to venture a guess, Beast Boy was leaning towards "hells nah."

And Raven...had her hood up, hiding her face from view. But her eyes were still visible, somehow. She looked Robin in the eyes--a look that was all at once pleading and insistent--and he turned away again, back to the H.I.V.E. Jinx was looking at the ground once again, and Robin suddenly seemed to understand.

He looked at Carson once again, whose face was still passive and calm. And Robin sighed. "It's a deal. I'll see you in an hour."

Carson smiled broadly--an obviously forced gesture. "I'm looking forward to it." Without another word, he turned his back on the Titans and walked back to the H.I.V.E., each step measured and deliberate.

------

Obviously, I like the revamp a hell of a lot more. I do feel bad for marginalizing the other Titans somewhat, but the next chapter will hopefully make up for that. Changes:

-This chapter is a combination of the original chapter and its immediate successor. That is to say, I effectively merged the last segment of the original chapter with the original third chapter, with great success.

-The sequence itself is much more low-key.

-Instead of an army, Johnny Rancid leads the H.I.V.E. The nuclear materials are gone; it isn't directly stated, but the "merchandise" they were after in this chapter were counterfeit jeans.

-Dialogue. The original saw the Titans somewhat flabbergasted, and unassertive, towards Carson. In this one, they openly clash; Starfire practically smothered him in affection akin to Terra in the original, whereas in this one she's openly distrustful.

-Carson's display of power is gone completely, going in line with new rules I established for him and his powers.

-The dialogue is much cleaner, so to speak, and sounds far better.

These are just my thoughts though--I'd like to hear other people's.
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Re: Shameless Self-Promition: I Has It

Post by Guest on 8/22/2009, 8:32 am

Oh, absolutely MARVELOUS! You capture the personality of each character FLAWLESSLY! THIS is episode material for sure.

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Re: Shameless Self-Promition: I Has It

Post by Riaaanna on 8/22/2009, 10:09 am

Coal_Dragon_Cole wrote:Oh, absolutely MARVELOUS! You capture the personality of each character FLAWLESSLY! THIS is episode material for sure.
Rolling Eyes Coal, are you in love? Cause this whole time all you've been talkin about is how good, realistic, awesome, and true Snake is. And as far as I know, NOTHING is flawless in this world but God Himself (no offence, Snake! I still love your fic! :D). You're telling us to be realistic about saving a show, yet now you're saying how perfect and flawless a fanfiction is. Here's something real, dear, nothing in this real world is flawless. Nobody and nothing in this world is perfect. Who's being naive now? Huh. I'm laughing.

See, this is the problem. You must be in love with Snake. Ha.

(SNAKE! Still love your story! Honestly! Smile :D)

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Re: Shameless Self-Promition: I Has It

Post by Vandal on 9/5/2009, 11:01 pm

Rianna Lauren wrote:
Coal_Dragon_Cole wrote:Oh, absolutely MARVELOUS! You capture the personality of each character FLAWLESSLY! THIS is episode material for sure.
Rolling Eyes Coal, are you in love? Cause this whole time all you've been talkin about is how good, realistic, awesome, and true Snake is. And as far as I know, NOTHING is flawless in this world but God Himself (no offence, Snake! I still love your fic! :D). You're telling us to be realistic about saving a show, yet now you're saying how perfect and flawless a fanfiction is. Here's something real, dear, nothing in this real world is flawless. Nobody and nothing in this world is perfect.

Well well, that sounds like a Christian Worldview to me. But anyways, I really enjoyed all the stories except the first one. Both Beast Boy and Raven sounded completely out of character. If they were together; holy crap, that one with the lap dance made me laugh so much. The characters seemed like themselves. It is a perfect resemblance of the Titans, I could hear their voices in my head! Seriously, it was that good! And out of all people, I would have thought you'd be the last to come up with a FanFic..
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Re: Shameless Self-Promition: I Has It

Post by Riaaanna on 9/5/2009, 11:28 pm

Mercy wrote:
Rianna Lauren wrote:
Coal_Dragon_Cole wrote:Oh, absolutely MARVELOUS! You capture the personality of each character FLAWLESSLY! THIS is episode material for sure.
Rolling Eyes Coal, are you in love? Cause this whole time all you've been talkin about is how good, realistic, awesome, and true Snake is. And as far as I know, NOTHING is flawless in this world but God Himself (no offence, Snake! I still love your fic! :D). You're telling us to be realistic about saving a show, yet now you're saying how perfect and flawless a fanfiction is. Here's something real, dear, nothing in this real world is flawless. Nobody and nothing in this world is perfect.

Well well, that sounds like a Christian Worldview to me. But anyways, I really enjoyed all the stories except the first one. Both Beast Boy and Raven sounded completely out of character. If they were together; holy crap, that one with the lap dance made me laugh so much. The characters seemed like themselves. It is a perfect resemblance of the Titans, I could hear their voices in my head! Seriously, it was that good! And out of all people, I would have thought you'd be the last to come up with a FanFic..
lol I ain't Christian. I'm Muslim.

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Re: Shameless Self-Promition: I Has It

Post by Vandal on 9/5/2009, 11:29 pm

Rianna Lauren wrote:
Mercy wrote:
Rianna Lauren wrote:
Coal_Dragon_Cole wrote:Oh, absolutely MARVELOUS! You capture the personality of each character FLAWLESSLY! THIS is episode material for sure.
Rolling Eyes Coal, are you in love? Cause this whole time all you've been talkin about is how good, realistic, awesome, and true Snake is. And as far as I know, NOTHING is flawless in this world but God Himself (no offence, Snake! I still love your fic! :D). You're telling us to be realistic about saving a show, yet now you're saying how perfect and flawless a fanfiction is. Here's something real, dear, nothing in this real world is flawless. Nobody and nothing in this world is perfect.

Well well, that sounds like a Christian Worldview to me. But anyways, I really enjoyed all the stories except the first one. Both Beast Boy and Raven sounded completely out of character. If they were together; holy crap, that one with the lap dance made me laugh so much. The characters seemed like themselves. It is a perfect resemblance of the Titans, I could hear their voices in my head! Seriously, it was that good! And out of all people, I would have thought you'd be the last to come up with a FanFic..
lol I ain't Christian. I'm Muslim.

Whoa Embarrassment!
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Re: Shameless Self-Promition: I Has It

Post by Riaaanna on 9/5/2009, 11:35 pm

Mercy wrote:
Rianna Lauren wrote:
Mercy wrote:
Rianna Lauren wrote:
Coal_Dragon_Cole wrote:Oh, absolutely MARVELOUS! You capture the personality of each character FLAWLESSLY! THIS is episode material for sure.
Rolling Eyes Coal, are you in love? Cause this whole time all you've been talkin about is how good, realistic, awesome, and true Snake is. And as far as I know, NOTHING is flawless in this world but God Himself (no offence, Snake! I still love your fic! :D). You're telling us to be realistic about saving a show, yet now you're saying how perfect and flawless a fanfiction is. Here's something real, dear, nothing in this real world is flawless. Nobody and nothing in this world is perfect.

Well well, that sounds like a Christian Worldview to me. But anyways, I really enjoyed all the stories except the first one. Both Beast Boy and Raven sounded completely out of character. If they were together; holy crap, that one with the lap dance made me laugh so much. The characters seemed like themselves. It is a perfect resemblance of the Titans, I could hear their voices in my head! Seriously, it was that good! And out of all people, I would have thought you'd be the last to come up with a FanFic..
lol I ain't Christian. I'm Muslim.

Whoa Embarrassment!
Whoa, excuse me?

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Re: Shameless Self-Promition: I Has It

Post by Naked Snake on 9/6/2009, 12:13 am

Rianna Lauren wrote:
Coal_Dragon_Cole wrote:Oh, absolutely MARVELOUS! You capture the personality of each character FLAWLESSLY! THIS is episode material for sure.
Rolling Eyes Coal, are you in love? Cause this whole time all you've been talkin about is how good, realistic, awesome, and true Snake is. And as far as I know, NOTHING is flawless in this world but God Himself (no offence, Snake! I still love your fic! :D). You're telling us to be realistic about saving a show, yet now you're saying how perfect and flawless a fanfiction is. Here's something real, dear, nothing in this real world is flawless. Nobody and nothing in this world is perfect. Who's being naive now? Huh. I'm laughing.

See, this is the problem. You must be in love with Snake. Ha.

(SNAKE! Still love your story! Honestly! Smile :D)

Who ISN'T in love with me? It's honestly involuntary, I swear. I don't TRY to attract scores of willing females...they just sort of gravitate to me. I think it's a pheramone of some sort.

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Re: Shameless Self-Promition: I Has It

Post by Riaaanna on 9/6/2009, 3:42 am

Naked Snake wrote:
Rianna Lauren wrote:
Coal_Dragon_Cole wrote:Oh, absolutely MARVELOUS! You capture the personality of each character FLAWLESSLY! THIS is episode material for sure.
Rolling Eyes Coal, are you in love? Cause this whole time all you've been talkin about is how good, realistic, awesome, and true Snake is. And as far as I know, NOTHING is flawless in this world but God Himself (no offence, Snake! I still love your fic! :D). You're telling us to be realistic about saving a show, yet now you're saying how perfect and flawless a fanfiction is. Here's something real, dear, nothing in this real world is flawless. Nobody and nothing in this world is perfect. Who's being naive now? Huh. I'm laughing.

See, this is the problem. You must be in love with Snake. Ha.

(SNAKE! Still love your story! Honestly! Smile :D)

Who ISN'T in love with me? It's honestly involuntary, I swear. I don't TRY to attract scores of willing females...they just sort of gravitate to me. I think it's a pheramone of some sort.

*snorts* puuhh-leez. tongue XD :lol!: jk

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Re: Shameless Self-Promition: I Has It

Post by archiesangel on 9/6/2009, 7:05 am

I very much enjoyed your fan fic, Snake. I has real possiblity to be an episode although I think we could do without the swearing. I can not wait to hear the second part. The characters are fantastic and I would really like to see what you could do with an action scene.
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